I remember living at home with my parents and thinking, "Yes, I have food, shelter and clothes. I am not neglected, I have what I need, but I am not happy." I would complain about money, weather, the people around me. Yadda yadda yadda. I find myself less like that as an adult.
Life is good.... but. That doesn't mean we don't have things that are hard. Being positive doesn't mean being fake and pretending nothing bothers you. I love my family but some moments are just plain hard. It's become a daily thing for me to surrender Katie's development to God. He is in charge of how she will be. It still doesn't stop me from crying when I know she wants to crawl and can't.
I had a breaking moment last night. She was crying and wouldn't calm down. After a few minutes I began to wonder if I needed to be watching for shunt malfunction signs. I was sleep deprived (not having gotten more than 5 hrs per night for 4 nights in a row), hungry and worn out. I began to sob. I don't want her to go through that much pain again. I don't want brain surgery again. I don't want an emergency situation. I felt like a child about to throw a tantrum, "NOOOO, I dooon't wanna!"
Thankfully after Jeff prayed I saw a change. She calmed, quieted and did her normal routine of fighting bed time as usual. I tucked Ada in (who has been saying non stop sweet things), layed down for a minute and promptly fell asleep. I woke up feeling grateful not to be in the ER. I got 10 hours of sleep! My house may be a mess, dinner may have been left out, my coat may not be hung up, but golly gee I am rested!
I am asking God to help me stay positive and not go down the depression spiral. I am learning to grieve the moment and move on. I need to cry and be sad my Katie Joy has a different road, and then snap into the bigger reality.... she is stronger than any other person I have ever met. Or at least she will be. As I do my best to be a good leader and role model for her I think in the end I will look up to her. I also think she'll end up looking to Ada a lot too. I've never seen sisters love each other so much. I am grateful Ada adores her baby sister.
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