Attempting to deal April 28

I'm trying to come to terms with having a c-section. I am a huge proponent of natural laboring and delivery. I have done my research and know that c-sections are done waaaay too often and more often than not unnecessarily. A baby can be born breech. However, having a baby breech with hydrocephalus causes extra complications. Ada's delivery was the most empowering experience I have ever been through. I feel like I'm missing something in my life now. I can have a baby naturally and I didn't get to. I won't ever get to again either. (I know there are doctors that do VBACs but my doctor isn't one and after looking into the risks I'm not sure it's worth trying). My decision to have more children is much more serious than ever now. I don't want to willingly walk into a situation where I'd have to have an epidural or major surgery like a c-section. In texting a friend there really is a need to grieve the situation a bit because I lost my ability to do one major thing my body was created for. 

I'm trying to take one day or even one moment at a time in dealing with the current reality of Katie's body. I have much hope for her future, but there are times when I hold her little toes and feet and question what if anything I could've done despite my doctor telling us there was no way to prevent it. I think of the concerns I have for her future but toggle back and forth to the excitement of what it will be like when she does walk. There is a HUGE reason why her middle name is Joy. I will never regret her name choice. She and Ada will teach me much. 

One thing I know God gave me my family. My husband is the greatest man I have ever met. He is calm and handsome and the strongest person I know. I saw his strength during the weakest and most helpless moment in our lives when the doctor said our little baby may not live. I saw his joy and peace in finding out the she is living and is not struggling. I see his beauty inside of his very core of his being as he holds me through each day and depends on our Savior for everything.

I'm learning you can't really "deal" with things that are out of your control. All you can do is embrace the challenge as an opportunity to do as God calls you.